The ad read “a needy, obsessive, attractive woman in search of perfect pinning material. Must be gorgeous, aloof, detached and condescending. Nice Girls need not reply.”
It was amazing how many women responded to this notice that ran each month for three years in a lesbian magazine. I didn’t read every letter of response. Who has that kind of time? I would try to get a feel for the woman by examining the handwriting. This one is living in the past, look at the way she crosses her T’s. Another never learned how to handwrite well so she only prints. Oh, this girl has been hurt before, look at the way her writing shrinks toward the end of her sentences. It was a sad business, all this handwriting interpretation, but I had to be sure I knew everything I could know about a woman before I make that first phone call.
The first call to their home should be made when they’re guaranteed to be out. A woman’s answering machine message can give you a mass of information ranging from how she cooks to where she shops for linen.
1) “Hi, I can’t get to the phone right now because I’m clockin’ tube time in the green room at El Capitan. Surfs up. Cowabunga!”
This chick’s voice is like a horse with no name. It could be because she has eroded away her nose cartilage from too much moondoggie on the long board. Her raspy tonal quality connotes peripheral shopping and home made Ceviche. She likes to make throw together burrito’s with soy cheese in her tiny kitchen. She’s a totally confident girl who you’d never catch using Star 69 in a desperate moment. The waves are her mistresses. You could be her wife, just don’t expect to ever see her in the early morning. You’ll be expected to help her kick her Afrin habit. It’s more addictive than crack.
2) “Hi, you’ve reached Alyssa, Katrina and Vencensia, please leave a message. If you hang up on our machine, we’ll track you down, bite your neck, and drink your blood. Just kidding.” (They all laugh in the background)
It’s always hard to get a handle on multiple party messages, but there are some real flags here. Alyssa is the funny one. She thought up the messagebecause her name is mentioned first. She’s not the cute one. Otherwise the other two girls wouldn’t have felt sorry for her and let her name be first. She has a great personality, but she’s a little insecure because of her unusual name everyone always mispronounces, and she’s short. Katrina’s the hotty in the bunch that warrants her second mention. She was the one with the hardy guffaw amongst the laughter. Katrina was born inside luxury’s lap. She pays most of the rent and doesn’t care. She has the most dates. Her roomies call her bedroom “the Web.” Sticky bed, hard to leave. Vencensia is Italian so she thinks she’s the best looking in her house hold. She is definitely more selective about whom she dates. She does the cooking and bitches afterward. A real martyr. Her Tiramisu is as soft and creamy as her lips. Her accent will have you saying Monogamy in the first phone conversation.
3) “This is Rey. Looks like you’ve missed me again. You know what to do.”
Rey doesn’t need a girlfriend. She has her weekly planner, a Himalayan cat and the social life of a teenage rock star. Her voice is smooth and frosty. She can’t cook but shakes a mean Martini. She waves the bottle of Vermouth over her glass of Vodka and that’s wet enough for her. Her name is short and androgynous like her temper. She interprets your having fallen in love with her as just another way to piss her off. When you show up at her apartment for a date, you’ll open the door too wide and her indoor cat will bolt outside before you can say “cheek peck.” You may spend a minimum of twenty minutes walking through her neighborhood looking for Beethoven. Rey will still be dousing herself with natural oils long after you return with her silly fur bag. You can land this girl, but it’ll cost ya. Rey will have you running between the yogurt shops and natural foods markets as if you were her private butt boy. Yes, Rey does have charisma oozing from all pores. And the sex with her will be as close to living in the wild as you’ll ever come. But when you become more domesticated than her cat, she’ll scrape you off her plate like a mixed metaphor. There’s nothing worse than being left by a girl who was abusive from the start. The aches you feel afterwards are accumulative. Don’t expect her to be your friend. She has enough of them already.
The first few phone conversations with a girl are telling, but only if you can read between her lines. Every story she tells you, will have some hidden inner meaning. If she speaks about her long list of gorgeous and fabulous ex-girlfriends, all of which she left, she’s really trying to tell you she’s a catch. The truth is, she had some lousy relationships with a few frumpy girls who left her in the lurch. Not all the things that she will say will be coded messages to improve her position. Anything she states humbly or subtly may be doubled for a genuine view. Whatever she says in a boastful manner, may be divided by five for the real picture. If she talks about herself continually couching everything in “I’m the kind of person who . . ,” Then she is the kind of person who thinks too much of herself. If she speaks about other people as if they are coal to be shoveled into her steam engine, you too will soon be consumed by her fire. If she sings the praises of others and never mentions herself, she is either the most wonderful girl in the world, or she finds herself totally uninteresting.
After three years of analyzing women’s handwriting, voice mail and phone communication, I realized that I was the one who needed analysis. I turned inward, then outward. I sat in silence for days at a time. I finally made a pact with myself not to judge others. Then I made a date with a woman. We had a great time together. I can’t really give any details because using adjectives or adverbs would be judgmental. And what kind of sentence could I write without using a modifier? Suffice it to say that it’s best not to try to control the future. Everything always happens the way it was meant to happen anyway.