What every girl carries in her bag while entering a new relationship:


One “get out of having had sex with ex last night free card.”


At least three convincing renditions of,  “I don’t know what is going on for me, I just have to think about things for a while.”


Twenty heart-felt line readings of  “Just hold me.”


Eleven recitations of … “She is just a friend, I thought you liked me to make new friends.”


Fourteen different summations of what went wrong with her prior relationships.




One lengthy promise of how she will never leave you, written in disappearing ink.

A vial of liquid emotion-suppressant, for those rare moments of discomfort that may arise from feeling stuff.

Seven hoops for you to jump through that get smaller in consecutive order.



What every girl carries in her bag when she leaves a relationship:

All the stuff she brought with her when she arrived, and one extra heart.


Rebounds or “Have now, pay later.”


Refuse to rebound.  How do you know if you’re actually rebounding?  If you start sleeping with the cool friend who helped you get over your ex, you are yanking it down off the boards.  If you still would rather be having sex with your ex, you are having sex without the s.   If you think that by having sex with someone new, you will be released from the pain of a break up, you are misinformed.  You will eventually be given a Karmatic make-up test that will arrive at a less opportune time.


Be wary of all girls with Wet Paint signs dangling from their backs.  A girl on the rebound will always have the same M.O.  She will have that “just broken up”, but not needy glow.  She will reluctantly tell you stories about her ex that will make her look like Gidget, and the ex, Ike Turner.   If she takes the opposite route, she may expound upon the ex’s virtues right up until she has your ears locked between her legs.  The “pedestal” and “slam” method are both equally effective luring devices.  When you are the object of a rebound, you may think you’ve won the lottery, but in actuality, you will not win, place or show.


The rebound is never considered a rebound, by the two participating parties.  The new girl feels she has just lucked into the love of her life, and the girl who has jumped from the car of a speeding relationship is in a euphoric state of denial.  Why feel pain when you can feel a new girl’s inner thigh?  Only the girl who was left holding the speeding ticket from another failed relationship can really see the rebound diagram.  The “rebound” practice began the instant there were more than two amoebas on the planet.  All it takes is for one of them to say to the other, “I’m leaving you, there’s a new cell in town.”  And this could be why our species took so long to evolve.


Your friends will never tell you directly that you are partaking in the oldest escape next to Houdini’s climb down his mistress’s trellis.  Just two short months after your three-year, live in love affair has ended, you will introduce your new gal-pal to your friends.  They will all shake hands cordially.  If you were to film this interaction and run it back in slow motion, you would see your friends raise one corner of their eyebrows, then quickly and silently mouth to one another, “rebound”.  And no matter how good your friends are, they can never mask their disappointment.   They liked your ex better.


Ideal break-up scenarios:

You both break up as a mutual decision because you fell out of love.  She then joins the Peace Corps and moves to Istanbul.


You fall in love with someone else who is actually single and doesn’t work in Production.  Your girlfriend lets you move on without a fight and swears herself to a life of celibacy.  The lyrics, “If I can’t have you, I don’t want nobody baby,” become her mantra.


Your girlfriend tells you she wants to end the relationship and you are totally relieved because you’ve been plotting a way to let her down easy for two weeks.  She then moves back to her parents’ farm in Missouri.


Worst possible scenarios for a Break-up:

The woman you love and want to spend the rest of your life with leaves you for a man who has all your qualities, and a cock.


The love of your life leaves you, stays single, dates everyone you know, refuses to ever see you as a lover, and lives forever.


fireplace_of_burned_out_houseConsider this before entering a relationship

Make sure the new lover’s car is a custom or extremely rare vehicle, so that just in case she leaves you, you won’t be reminded of her every time a grey Honda crosses your path.


It’s never wise to choose your own partner.  You will pick someone who reminds you of what you never received from your parents.  You’ll try and play out your family longing on some chick who is using you for the same psychological experiment.  You will wonder why she can’t give you enough love and she will wonder why you can’t love her for who she really is and quit smothering her.  Ask your best friend to find your partner, then you can work out your friend’s childhood trauma for her.  She can do the same for you.  And you can both have healthy relationships without projections and transference.


In a relationship, you can have one of these sets of things.  You can have intense passion and total chaos; or calm, placid love with nary a raised tonal inflection.  The best sex, and occasional Armageddon; or good waffles and happy strolls in the park.  Heart palpitations and explosive conversation; or cheek kisses and the morning paper at the breakfast table.  Each choice has its kudos.  However, if you choose “Passion,” you should chase it with couples counseling.  If you choose “Security,” you may end up getting your passion on the side, like hash browns.