sexy_knees_reading_Drama_gifted_childThere’s always one person in your life that could say something to get you back as a lover.  They never say it.   I would never say those words to Julie, and other girls would never say those words to me.  Some people break up and say it was a mutual decision.  A mutual break-up is impossible.  This is a clever concept that the leaver designed to relinquish guilt, and the left goes along with the plan, so they don’t have to feel so left.  But there is always one person who feels like they have all the power and one who feels as if they have none.

Many relationships fail because everyone is so self-actualized these days.  It’s as if an internal existential fear drives us to avoid closeness.  We fear we will actually need someone, and that person will eventually die, leaving us alone.

It may feel like when we’re in relationships, there is an unfair distribution of power.  And the power may even seem to shift between one person and the other though always feeling unbalanced.  The truth is, the whole power thing is a fluctuating illusion.  For instance, the one who leaves is often the leaver simply because they could never handle being left.  The one who is left, may feel completely trounced and powerless, but may also be the saner of the two.

One thing is certain, as horrible as it feels being the leaver or the left, eventually you won’t feel a thing.  I was trying to conjure up feelings of the pain I had felt over some devastating relationships I had in the past.  I couldn’t feel any emotion whatsoever.  I felt nothing about the great sex, and couldn’t even flinch while recalling some hostile depth of humiliation.  Nothing came to the surface.  It was disconcerting.  So I figure it’s best to be present while your happy or emotionally demolished because you never know when you’ll feel anything like that again.