white_on_whiteHow Many

 

How many women have you slept with?  Come on, don’t be shy, how many?  Forty-five, you say?  No.  But you’re close.  The actual number is twenty-seven.  This is where you went wrong.  You were counting all the women you’ve loved, courted, been hurt by, and had crushes on.  The question was, how many women have you ‘slept with.’

 

Who determines the criteria for the definition of ‘slept with,’ you may be wondering, and rightly so.  I’ll tell you, some girl I met at a party with a disposition of the chihuahua she brought with her.  She said, “You must have had genital sex, to say you’ve slept with someone.”  Okay, yes, I also cringed while hearing the words genital sex, so I forgot to ask her if it must be reciprocal.  That would cut down my number considerably.

 

What is the advantage to knowing your head count?

1)  It’s good exercise for your memory.

2)  You can chart the progression of your taste in women.

3)  Perhaps you’ll remember why your best friends’ girlfriend looks at you funny.

4)  It could give your ego a much needed boost since you failed miserably with the Zone diet.

5)  It may disappoint you, which in turn could inspire you to ask someone out, . . . for once.

6)  If one of them gets a job at Fluevog, you can horn in on her discounts.

7)  If you remember who you’ve slept with, you could avoid sleeping with her again, by accident.

8)  You will simultaneously be itemizing the guest list for your next party.

9)  You may discover you had more in common with Wilt Chamberlain than just loving to shoot hoops.

10)  You could finally come to terms with that fact that you are the kind of lesbian who doesn’t actually ‘sleep with’ women.

11)  There is no advantage to knowing how many people you’ve slept with, it is only important that other people know.

 

This girl at the party was not a representative for all girls.  She was tall, lean, sexy and yet still needed to clutch that shivering teacup therapy dog as if she were Paris Hilton in Monte Carlo.  I have asked many more women since then, and oddly they all agreed.  A woman must have been routed to the lower latitudes, for her to brag about having had sex with someone.  Now this is where it gets complicated.

 

One reason women need to define the act of having sex, is because we need to know when we’ve crossed a boundary.  For lesbians, a boundary exists every seven feet or as far as the last diet soda, which you could have replaced if you cared at all about my feelings.  When you are in a relationship, your girlfriend will say that kissing another girl is not okay, and is, in fact cheating.  Perhaps the disapproval level will climb in direct proportion to the intensity of the sexual act.

A kiss may get you a warning, but if you ‘fool around’, which has been defined by some other party girls as heavy necking, touching, touching body parts to other corresponding body parts, nuzzling and stuff, you may get a different warning than was given for a kiss.

“If you ever touch another human being in a loving or sexual way, I will not only leave you, I will squash your spirit.”  Fair enough, right?  That’s honest.

Now for the heavy artillery.  Let’s say you test the laws of buoyancy in your neighbors jacuzzi while your sweetheart is studying for her third attempt to pass the Bar.  Let’s say, for her sake, you even know the astronomical divorce rate among young law students who become attorneys.  Maybe, your significant other gets wind of your waterlogged debauchery and shows you the door by custom fitting it over your head.  Maybe violence never even enters the picture.  She could leave you while smiling.  Or, it is possible, and has been well documented at least twice, she may forgive your ass, while at the same time making you suffer from a subtle distrust which will linger on through the years and ultimately add up to a more torturous existence than a simple break up could have ever been.

A joke.  How many lesbians does it take to have sex?  Give up?  None.  Lesbians have the lowest frequency rate of sex next to abstinent people.  In fact, they are often confused with the rate of people who are celibate.  Why are our figures so low?  Perhaps we fill out census forms too humbly.  It is more likely that as the literature shows, lesbians tend to bond so tightly that it becomes redundant to have sex.  Who needs sex when you can cuddle.  Do you know what lesbians say in a fit of passion?  “Just hold me!”

We have a lot of sex right?  But how do we define that?  Maybe our statistics are so low because unlike straight couples and gay men, lesbians have less extra marital sex.  What?!  You say you sleep around just as much as everyone else?  No, not really, because women have trouble lying to each other, and the truth is rarely looked kindly upon either.

If a lesbian is asked by her lover “Where have you been?”

And then she undoubtedly answers, ”I was with Devon.”  Devon was her last ex girlfriend who came right after the two girls she went back and forth with for four years.  It’s hard to keep track except they all make you jealous.

Her present girlfriend’s first question will be, . . . “Did you kiss her?”

If you answer that with the obvious right answer, “No.”  She will inevitably ask the textbook follow up question.  “Did you fuck her?”  I guess many girls became wise to the old ploy of fucking around, but never kissing, just in case the lover asks.

Okay, enough already.  Where is all this going, you may be wondering and you’re not the only one.  Mostly, I thought this should contain sex and be funny.  It was kind of funny.  It should have a story or two, some snazzy quotes, and even some kind of small dog reference.  But don’t feel robbed because the ending sucks and there is no conclusion.  Here it comes.

However you define ‘getting it on,’ and no matter how many times you’ve done it or who you’ve done it with, really doesn’t matter.  What really matters is who you’ve loved.  Because eventually, the people you have loved in your life all get together and talk about you while you are not around.  If they agree you were basically a lovable person, who made some silly mistakes sometimes like frying your leg on the tailpipe of your first girlfriends Harley, then you’ll surely get to go to the heaven of your choice.  If they all decide you were an ass who cheated on them when you weren’t just lying compulsively, then you still get to go to the heaven of your choice, but they, too, will be there.