Hand_me_my_heart_pleaseThe Narsissist

I have dated more than my share of narcissists.  I admit I have been greedy with them.  I know they are in high demand and it hasn’t been until recently that I have decided to take a break from that agreeably severe personality disorder and go with something a little less trendy.

Narcissists make great parents if you have no other parents available.  Once you’ve grown up around them and can see the benefits from being raised under such adverse circumstances, you can venture out and manifest your own complex and rejecting relationships.

One of my ex-girlfriends named Deon, was constantly delayed getting out the door as she repeatedly spun in front of her wall length mirrors, trapped in the never-ending conundrum of how to leave an image of herself, while still appearing smitten and engaged.

I used to tease her by telling her a story about our fantasy future children.

“If we had children,” I would say, “we would have twin girls because you are older, so you’d be on hormones.  They would speak with an English accent, because I am such an Anglophile.  They would run into the living room and say, ‘Mother- Father, Mother-Father,’” because that’s what they would call me, “Come look at Mummy!” they would shout,  “She’s spinning again in the mirror and she is so beautiful.   Look at how she dances.  She is such a Princess, she’s so lovely!”


Deon would often to lie about things I knew were false because I had been there.  She would misquote me to myself about things I had said, invoking some patented brainwashing technique, repeating a lie over, and over again whenever a fight transpired, as if it would reinforce the lies, morphing them into truth.  She distorted the present so the past would become more malleable later.  I felt like a POW, hypnotically believing her out of attrition warfare A narcissist will never actually love you, but they may try to marry you and sleep with your friends.  Try to find solace in the fact that you have good taste in friends.  Unless, of course, your friends do sleep with her.


I shouldn’t pick on the narcissist; they often lead long and lonely lives because everyone else is so fucked up.

I was speaking to a friend who has an inkling of his own Narcissism.  I teased him, “On your tombstone, it will read, ‘Even now, I’m getting something out of this.”’

He liked it, though he insisted I give him credit for the idea.


I stayed with Deon long after the expiration point of the relationship, blindly thinking she would change.  Eventually I concluded that people don’t change because I want them to.  Maybe she would change, years or even decades later when it is no longer important to me, and then only for ironies sake.

The only reason I can say these things about narcissism is because we all hold a little nugget of this selfish-crazy in our pockets.  Maybe I have more than most, and it beckons Gollum-style to others out there, ‘I will enable you and feed your entitlement as if it were my own.’

Even now, I’m getting something out of this.

We all have a supporting role in this Feature, all the while quietly thinking, “I’m the lead.”