Italians seem Jewish at first glance, until you get into the underpants.

Sure they cook and scream and rant,

but when you’re sick,

compassion’s scant.

Irish chicks are wild and frisky,

frequently imbibing whisky.

If you have a problem with alcohol,

she’ll convince you it isn’t any problem at all.

An Irish girl is hard to leave and not because she’s hammered,

when shaking her off, after a fight,

you discover missing jewelry she’s enamored.

No one knows family like a Persian woman,

her connections are far reaching.

If you need a pipe fitter, a nut, a screw;

she’ll have some on payroll, and may be missing a few.

She could have family money,

may be showy with the gold,

she’ll throw you lavish parties, so try to do as told.

If she’s a Persian Jew, you will only miss the ham,

but then she will wrap you in her warmth,

whispering, “ghorboonet beram.”

A Latin girl can move your blood, the ocean and the wind,

but when it comes to moving out,

she’ll swear she found the apartment first.

None of your friends will want to help you haul your shit all the way from Los Feliz.

The French have style, class and taste,

She’ll buy the wine, make olive paste.

She’ll fuck you often and sleep in late,

take infrequent showers and contemplate.

Don’t allow her to smoke in bed,

It’s just another excuse to not give head.

The ice-box will wreak of rotting cheese,

phone bill featuring obscure calls to Tunis,

when you’re ready to leave, your nerves finally raw,

she’ll have quickly moved on to a Ménage à trois.

A Lebanese lover melts your fillings,

And forces your knees to bend,

if you make it past the first introduction,

you’ll pray your heart will eventually mend.

She is sexy-electric, strong willed, wicked smart;

yet has a straight girl aesthetic and old fashioned heart.

She expects a car door opened, to be treated like a lady,

who are you to argue, you love garters and a teddy.

She’ll summon inner demons unlike any other mate,

each fight you have determines peace,

or conversely war in the Middle East.

The strictness of the Arab culture,

ingrained in this girls DNA will have you craving the leniency of waterboarding,

conducted in an undisclosed location by the CIA.

The English will impress your friends with elocution and vocab,

when you finally get her into bed,

it’ll seem more like a lab.

Her brain will stun you,

eggs will numb you,

so what if she can’t fuck,

after all the battles you’ve been through,

her emotional absence will feel like luck.

When you finally stumble upon a Jew

there will be no sparks to boast.

Nothing would impress you less, than what you’re mother would want the most.

The smarts are there, the jokes, the heat,

a woman who actually loves to eat.

This effortless love needs no fuel,

and might even please the folks,

if it weren’t for the one glaring flaw,

not intending to be cruel,

no matter how much they say they like your “friend”

you’re still a homo-sex-u-al.